Letters to My Girls

Truths We Find to be Self-Evident, Part Two: What It Means to Keep Your Mouth Shut

If you're joining me here today, you might wish to read Part One of this story:  Truths We Find to be Self-Evident, Part One: Mommy and the Catholic Church

Dear Darling Daughters:

A few people have asked me why I can’t keep my mouth shut about what happened at our school and just move on.  I was told at one point, “Oh, well, we are over it and moving on.”  Someone else said to me, “Lorie, I really think if you would just read the bible with an open heart, you would see that homosexuality is wrong.”  Really? 

I feel a very strong “calling” if you will, to speak up on what I consider to be a tragedy of epic proportions.  I’m not exaggerating.  “Calling” is the best word I can use to describe the sense of urgency and spiritual persistence I feel in telling this story.  And “epic tragedy” is an absolutely appropriately term to describe what I think is so very wrong about the decision that was made. 

I think anyone who has ever studied God or religion has some basic understanding of the moral objectives behind any sort of spiritualism.  Basics:  be kind to others, do unto others, don’t covet, don’t murder, don’t lie….  I don’t need to list the 10 Commandments here for anyone, and in particular, church heads, to know the basics. 

I don’t and will never understand any organization that would choose to be unkind to anyone.  Don’t we attend church to learn, to be accepted into a community, to find unconditional acceptance, to obtain guidance, and to bask in the love of God for all of us? 

And, if that’s the case, why do so many participants of organized religion so readily accept the systematic elimination of anyone who challenges the organization’s interpretation of what is meant by The Bible and the rules of the organization?  How is it possible to commit to an organization that ostracizes certain people, for whatever reason, and still believe that the greater good is being met even when the most basic precepts of spirituality are being ignored? 

Someone told me that I should evaluate the school based upon its merits and those exceptional things my children would gain such as a superior education.  I wanted to say to that person, “Would you allow your children to attend the best school in Boulder if they segregated African Americans?”  I’m betting the answer would be “no”.  What message does it send to our kiddos for us to say, “Oh, well, we don’t really believe in what they did, but we sent you there anyway because it was a good school.”

I also recognize that some of my peers at the school do believe that homosexuality is a sin or a choice and should be shunned.  If that’s the case, I would suggest you consider what you will do when one of your children comes to you with the news that s/he is gay.  Some of you will find this out while they are still at the Catholic School.  Will you allow them to continue at a place they are not accepted?  Will you speak out on their behalf?  Do you really believe that your child is somehow bad or damaged and won’t be accepted by God if she is lesbian?  I urge you to challenge your own thinking. 

I know that some would say I should have stayed with the school and tried to create change.  The fact is, I’m not a member of the Catholic Church and I don’t have the kind of financial input that I would need to have to influence anything that happens at the school.  The only ways that I can object and try to make a difference are to pull what financial influence I do have in the form of tuition, and speak clearly and loudly about what happened.  I still might not have any impact, but these two-and-a-half years later, I can still make it uncomfortable and memorable.  You’ll also notice I haven’t tried to take any individuals to the mat over this because I believe that would be as cruel and un-Christian as the original event.

So, why don’t I keep my mouth shut?  Remember that “calling” I told you about?  Part of it is knowing in a very profound and definite way what is right and what is wrong and having the spiritual strength to say so and act accordingly.  I believe that calling is as substantial and enduring as any religious figurehead who feels called to preach on Sunday morning.   The Catholic Church had its say in a very big way and now, it's my turn. 

My girls, there’s still another critical piece to this story that I will tell you in the coming weeks. 

My love to both of you!

Mommy

For Sweet Sophie on Her Fourth Birthday

How lucky am I to be your Mommy?  I think the heavens dropped you from above, my sweet Sophia, with your sparkling eyes and constant grin.  You wake up and immediately, you're talking and happy and excited to be alive.  You make everyone around you smile. 

You're the best snugglebug I could have asked for.  For whatever reason, you just fit exactly right against me when we are sharing hugs and smooches and little secrets. Your giggle is most precious sound on this earth. 

Here you are, four years old today, and babyhood is a distant memory.  You've conquered all the rites of passage that a little kid can manage.  You like to do things on your time schedule, and I'm learning to be a more patient mama as a result.  I don't really need to push you, though - you know what to do without my even telling you, don't you? 

I love that you are independent, but also love to have people around you.  I love that you adore your sister and can manufacture the world's funniest giggle-fest with the simplest of games.  You have a little naughty streak in you, and if I catch you playing in your room at midnight anymore, boy, I'm gonna....probably laugh at you because when I've come in to find out what you're doing, you always have a very righteous and proper explanation. 

We aren't quite certain how we came to parent a blonde child, but here you are, light as a daisy with your beautiful hair and big blue eyes.  You love that you are different - my goodness - what a valuable gift that will be into the future. 

Most of the time when I pick you up at school, you are coloring.  You love crayons, while most of the kids are into markers at this stage.   If I gave you scissors, I know you'd cut all sorts of things, including your hair, and probably Izzy's too.  That's why I don't give you scissors - you take your artwork very seriously.

You still love Ariel and always have, though I sense you will start keeping that fact to yourself from now on.  The only thing you wanted for Christmas this year was the Ariel Hair Salon, and Santa dutifully brought it.  The little bike we gave you today for your birthday seems more your style, though I think what you really want is some sort of eternal, authentic magic.  Maybe we can find a way to make that happen for you, dearie!

You are too busy with activities to care much about whether your hair is pulled back or your face is clean.  It doesn't really matter, though - your infectious smile makes all the chocolate, spaghettio, mac 'n cheese mush-mouth look precious. 

Your voice is still in that cute Minnie-Mouse stage, where everything you say seems so intelligent, yet so comical.  You have the cutest little fake cough that comes up every time you think you want medicine, and you still get angry when we don't believe you.  We still bandage your imaginary boo-boos because it makes you feel better to have a Scooby Doo bandaid on a finger and then show us how, magically, the boo-boo has gone away, at the end of the day.  

You asked me yesterday if we could fix your thumb for your birthday.  Your little thumb is bent and locked at the first knuckle, and we don't really know why that happened.  You've had it since you were a baby, and while we want to get it fixed, neither of us wants to put you through a surgery.  Not that you'd have any problems!  You got through five stitches without even flinching this year after cutting your eyelid open.  I wouldn't have guessed you'd be my emergency room girl, but we've had quite a few trips, haven't we?  Well, maybe mommy can take a cue from her daughter and be a bit more brave so we can get your thumb fixed.  

One thing I secretly adore is that you love "Mommy~Sophie" day.  Each week, on Monday and Friday, when Izz goes to school, we get to spend time snuggling in bed, running errands, playing, and sometimes we go to the coffee shop for a pumpkin muffin-top.  When we go to get Izz at school, you tell everyone that "it's Mommy-Sophie day" with a proud little bob of your head.  

My darling, you have absolutely soaked into every inch of my heart and soul, and I love you so.  You sweet, funny little girl - you've changed my life forever and I'm so very grateful you are mine.  I love you!  

Kisses,

Mommy 

 

The Start of School; The Stress of the Parent

by Lorie Fuller

You can practically feel the crackle in the air as mothers everywhere send their kids back to school.  My own kids will start back on Monday. 

Attending school today myself, I was shuffled through a line to do paperwork, pay fees, get uniforms, and be patient behind the stressed-out parents in front of me.  I was a lucky one - my kids were home this morning with Dad as I braved the school cafeteria, and I didn't need to get to a 9-5:00 job like most of the parents. 

Nevertheless, I'm feeling stressed.  I have a dozen important dates on my calendar for the next week, alone, and I'm constantly worried about forgetting something. I volunteered to be room-mom for my daughter's pre-school class.  I paid an astronomical amount of money for a few polyester uniforms, and will still end up "cheating" a bit because I simply can't send my kid to school wearing a hot, polyester shirt, so I may end up at the principal's office on the first day. 

I admit I avoided many of the fee-based programs and fund-raising options this morning.  Things like purchasing cookbooks or baked goods, grocery totes, the Birthday Book Club, and etc.  The fact is, there are new fees each week at school for everything from the numerous photographs taken (remember the days when school photos were once per year?), to book fairs, outings, auctions...something every week.  There are days I feel as though I'm choosing grade school over college in terms of cost.  I do the best I can, I do my part, but I have to pick and choose. 

On top of it, the politics at my kids' school are intense.  In fact, because of recent events involving the removal of students with same-sex parents, I feel as though I'm betraying my own set of values by sending my children to school where the administration discriminates against certain children.  The choice to continue for one more year was gut-wrenching. 

I feel incredibly lucky that I adore the my daughters' teachers, trust them implicitly, and know they love my kids.  I feel good that we can discuss issues and find solutions, and that they aren't afraid to tell me the good and the not-so-good about my kids so that we partner in raising them.  I'm grateful for the parents, who, like me, struggled with their decision to send their kids this year, and who exchange looks of support with me daily.  I'm thankful that my daughters have lovely friends at school - the sweetest, smartest kids who amaze me daily. 

The bottom line?  I want my kids to get a good education, and I will be supportive to those who directly impact that education.  But, the weight of responsibility that goes with it is suffocating at the moment.  And, it has never been more important to suck it up, put a smile on my face, and be 110% there for my kids and their school.  I'll take it one day at a time. 

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As a parent, do you feel stressed at the start of the school year, or are you relieved that your kids are back in a routine?