I've been working really hard lately on my issues with grocery shoppers. I used to love grocery shopping and for awhile I even went with my best girlfriend who lived in the same apartment complex I did. She would show me foods that I had never tried or give me cooking tips (she's a chef) and I would teach her how to dip vinegar potato chips into carmel sauce. (OK - I"m clearly not a chef, but don't scoff until you try it!) My girlfriend moved away, we both got married and had kids. She's now a brilliant shopper and cook; I'm just a frustrated blogger.
Anyway, now that grocery shopping is a utilitarian pursuit and not an artistic one, I want to get in, get out, and have a relatively painless experience. I want to glide down the aisles and have the items I want just pop into my cart, pay for themselves, and well - while I'm at it, let's have them delivered and put away. Then I won't have to go at all!
It isn't that I don't like shopping, it's that I have to deal with all the shoppers. Let's face it - we all get a little bit goofy at the grocery store. You too? Or, should I say, you too! We all get focused on what it is we want, what we have to remember, and we get sidelined a great deal with holiday displays, new items, things that aren't where they're supposed to be, and small children. In our get-it-over-with approach, we sometimes forget to be courteous and considerate in the aisles.
To deal with my shopper frustration, I've come up with a game! I have my own little type-list for grocery store shoppers that I use to de-stress and amuse myself. I spot a shopper down an aisle, and try to predict just what type she (or he) falls into before I have to face her. Here's my list:
The Snacker: You can peg this one because he doesn't have a cart; he's just there for a snack. He mills around the sample displays, and if he's got the kids that day while mom is off doing something else, where better to get lunch? This is also the guy who has to get a taste of every ice cream in the case before he makes his choice.
Frazzled Mommy: This gal comes in hoping there isn't one of those ridiculous red plastic car carts you have to stuff the kids into so they can bite, pinch, and yell at each other the whole trip. The carts have no turning radius and are double-wide, causing everyone in the aisles to run for their lives when they see you coming, lest they get smashed into the soup cans by some well-intentioned preschool driver. (Yes, I know the kids don't control the cart, but if I do run into a little old lady, she doesn't know that, and will always forgive my pre-schooler, whereas she might sue me for putting a dent in her walker.) Mom has circles under her eyes and really doesn't care what you think, so running is really the only solution.
The Family Affair: I'm not talking mom, dad, and kids, here. I'm talking aunts, uncles, grandparents, and second cousins. The whole family gathers around a product and debates the price, packaging, potential date of use, and who will get the biggest share. Don't even try to get past these people - they've rented the space and you just have to wait.
The Stalker: This is the woman who goes down every aisle you do, only the opposite direction, and manages to stop her cart in front of all the same products you want to buy. Strange, but true.
The Cart Dragger: The one who pulls the cart from the front, trailing the back behind her. When she stops to look at something, the back of her cart always lands in the middle of the aisle. Why? Because you can't control a shopping cart from the front!
The Bender: No -not alcohol. This is the one who bends at the waist to look at something down low, taking a step back as he does so. His butt is too far into the middle of the aisle to pass him. These folks travel in twos and create butt obstacle courses in the aisles.
The Selective Hearer: You know the one--she can't hear you say "excuse me" even if she's looking straight at you and her cart is 90 degrees to the aisle.
The Mis-Counter: This is the person who counts 25 separate bottles of Gatorade as one item so he can go through the 15-item express lane.
The Crazy Couponer: This is an addiction. She clips coupons, has 40 of them at the register, most of which she technically can't use because she didn't bring her reading glasses to see the fine print, shakes uncontrollably as she watches the savings add up, and then argues the price of any in-store items that don't scan properly.
The Noodler: I live in a college town. We have lots of noodle bowls here. Chinese noodles. Mac 'n Cheese. Spaghetti-os. Glazed, sleepless look. Three friends trailing behind talking about booze and football. Need I say more?
The Performer: Bluetooth in her ear, phone always on, and for whatever reason, she only gets as many groceries as she can hold in her two hands. She talks on her phone the whole time, loudly, and makes sure you know she's in charge. Just when the juicy part of the conversation starts, she starts to whisper so you can't even get a little thrill out of her oh-so-exciting life.
The PMS'er: I can spot this one from two aisles away. She's shopping through a fog of bloat, bitchiness, and cravings. She gets to the checkout counter and realizes she only has cheese balls, Coke, Twinkies, and a copy of Martha Stewart Living in her cart. In her embarrassment, she gets even bitchier, so don't confront this woman in the parking lot.
The "I Can't Walk Another Step...": He either leaves his cart in the middle of the lot or gets 20 feet away from the cart-return, pushes it, and walks away, thinking it will roll right in. In both cases, the cart rolls, gains speed, turns, and crashes into the front side-panel of whatever car is in the way.
I guess what's interesting about all of these categories is that I've fallen into one or the other myself pretty much every time I shop. I've found myself mesmerized by vast selections of toothpaste, suddenly hear "excuse me" from behind, and realize my cart is in the way, my butt is pointed right into the aisle, my children have disappeared in the plastic sports-car, and I don't like the price on any of the tubes. And, Pre-Menstrual Shopper? If you re-arrange the letters, it's spells "Peri-Menopausal Shopper" and might just describe.....me.
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Tell me your shopping stories! I want to hear your shopping pet-peeves. Leave me a comment!
Glad you got a kick out of it! Have fun!
Posted by: Lorie - Letters to My Girls | 09/19/2010 at 03:26 PM
oh my! this is hil-ar-i-ous! and i'm on my way, guess where? to grocery shop! how will i ever contain the categorization of shoppers!? meh- why fight it?! :)
Posted by: Minnesota Mamaleh | 09/19/2010 at 01:34 PM